Bah

I hate this time of year. When I study, there's always a second level of thoughts going through my mind. All of the things I don't want to think about - worries, faults, disasters, personal failings, bad relationships, uncertainty - flow steadily beneath the surface of legal rules and academic articles. Because my main mental energy is focused on schoolwork, I'm unable to distract myself by shifting my thought patterns entirely. I periodically clear my mind by going off and doing something entirely unrelated to school but that often ends up adding another level of guilt to the subconscious stream. It's all very frustrating and unproductive and I always seem to end up out of sorts by the end of exams.

Would you like some fries with that?

I'm done my paper! Hallelujah! I hope to never think about the topic again.

Kjersti, the epic poem re: snails and the ends of the world was written during a short stint in the local asylum. In order to protect my works from the nurses (who were going to steal my ideas) I had to eat the manuscript as I wrote it. Write a line, eat a line, write a line, eat a line. This wreaked havoc on my digestion but seemed to be a successful means of protecting my intellectual property. Unfortunately I've now forgotten most of the poem. It was brilliant, though. Brilliant.

flavours of quark

While searching for the definition of "tortfeasor" last night (apparently my mind has decided to erase all memory of basic legal principles) I discovered that "strangeness" is, and I quote, "one of the six flavours of quark". I'm convinced that physicists spend most of their time reading James Joyce and creating whimsical names for things that may or may not exist. Clearly I've missed my calling.

flavour - defn. 5 (Physics): a quantized property of quarks with values designated up, down, charmed, strange, top, and bottom.
(Courtesy of the Oxford Concise Dictionary)


"I'd like two scoops of quark, please - charmed on the bottom and strange on the top, if you don't mind."

____________________________________________________________________________
In other news, I've wiped out my facebook profile. The amount of completely worthless procrastination going on there was getting out of control. I've also broken out in what appear to be stress-induced hives. Fantastic.

Technological Marvels Abound

One of my roommates just called us via cell phone from the bathroom downstairs to ask whether someone could go get some toilet paper. I'm pretty entertained. Technological marvels abound.

Think Happy Thoughts

I'm getting very panicky about school, so I've decided to take a few minutes to think happy thoughts and make some wishes. The happy thought is that I'll be home for a bit in just a few weeks. As for wishes, I've decided that if I can't have a pony I'd like the following:
*Good Earth Tea: my brother got me some of this when he was going to school in the states and it was wonderful. Absolutely delicious.
*Django Reinhardt: I'm not even sure if I've ever heard a recording of this guy, but he's got the best name ever and I love swing music, so I'm sure it would be excellent.
*Pablo Neruda: I would really like a book of his poems. Absolutely beautiful.
*Burt's Bees Milk & Honey Lotion: smells like the Promised Land.
*Brahms: my next CD purchase will be Brahms' piano concertos. I've been wanting them for a while. Maybe that'll be a post-exam reward.
*Jazz lessons: Piano lessons! What fun! I'd like to make some time this summer and find a teacher/coach who'll clue me into how I can get better at improvisation & stuff. Hopefully I'll make the time.
*Ryan Adams: although his music is more sad than happy, I love it.
*Apple crisp: I'm hoping there are enough apples in the fridge to make me one of these tomorrow. Mmmm for cinnamon and sugar.
*Kittens: I am getting a kitten when I graduate & get a place on my own. There was a Siamese cat in a window down by the water the other day and I just loved it. Dogs are lovable, but cats are so funny and independent and... clean. This would normally not be a huge factor, but after living with the two little fluffballs in this house I've decided that small dogs are not for me. Big dogs aren't an option until I have a farm or at least a yard, so a cat will have to suffice in the meantime.

blogthings again...

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Places to go, people to see

Frivolous things I want to do in my lifetime:
- Go to Majie-Shuhui (the largest folk art gathering in China)
- Go to Mongolia: visit people living in yurts, learn the language, ride a Mongolian horse, acquire traditional Mongolian wardrobe.
- Visit Wat Pha Luang Ta Bua in Thailand and pet a tiger
- Participate in La Tomatina, a tomato fight that occurs between 11 am and 1 pm on the last Wednesday in every August at the Plaza del Pueblo in Bunol, Spain
- Be a part of the Venice Carnival: beautiful mask, elaborate costume, the whole deal
- Ride a horse at Becky's ranch! (I can't believe it hasn't happened yet.)
- See the chuck-wagon races at the Calgary Stampede

Confession

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I think there's some benefit to open confession, so here goes: I've been not what I want to be. In the last couple of months I've let a lot of things slide. Before anyone starts to panic, I haven't been living in sin or carousing drunkenly through the city or anything like that. What I mean is that I've been treating people carelessly, following my emotions instead of my mind and heart, and settling for a lot less from myself and from other people than I would normally expect. I've been refusing to challenge myself and have let go of a lot of things that mean a lot to me. I've let myself exclude and hurt people who are very important to me. I've been faithless and selfish. I've prided myself on my judgment and then neglected to use it. And I'm sorry. So if any of you who've been affected are reading this, please forgive me. To the world at large, please forgive me. Please call me on it in the future.

Thanks and blessings.

Nance

Blogthings may not always get it right... then again...

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Being One

I love people and I love community but I also love being alone. There is nothing quite like wandering home in the middle of the night with only the buses and the streetlights for company. I love running and walking and looking up into the freezing rain with no witness and no one to bring me down. I had a fantastic time out tonight (three cheers for Ruby Jean and the Thoughtful Bees!), but even better was the solitary ramble at the end through snow and sleet and wind so strong I'd swear I was on the prairies again. Some kinds of wonder are blunted by multiplicity; some kinds of beauty can only be known in solitude. Praise the God I love for this good night! Good night...

let it go

I'm really coming to realize that I have no control over the people in my life. There have been several situations lately where I've given up on a relationship entirely, only to have it restored. The harder I try to make things happen and the more frustrated I feel, the worse things get. There seems to be some magic in giving up and letting go; it seems to be at that point that things start to work themselves out. There's no real message here, just this: I'm starting to accept that I'm not in control. And that is a good thing.

e.e. cummings wrote:

let it go-the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go-the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go
dear
so comes love

I'm out of creativity, so here's a survey from Facebook

1) How old do you wish you were? I kind of like how old I am.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? In social studies class.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? They like me too much to steal from me.
4) Do you consider yourself kind ?On my better days.
5) If you HAD to get a tattoo, where would it be? Inside my wrist.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Mandarin or Cantonese
7) Do you know your neighbors? No
8) What do you consider a holiday? Not even thinking about school.
9) Do you follow your horoscope? Nope.
10) Would you move for the person you loved? Yes
11) Are you touchy feely? Someone recently laughed at me for constantly (unconsciously) moving so that I always maintained a certain distance between myself and other people. So I guess not.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract? Yes, but not always in a positive way.
13) Dream job? Musician. One who actually gets paid.
14) Favorite channel? Not channelling anything right now.
15) Favorite place to go out to on weekend? Someplace new
16) Showers or Baths? Showers
17) Do you paint your nails? Sometimes. I tend to chew it off my fingers, so mostly just my toes.
18) Do you trust people easily? Some people.
19) What are your phobias? Having blood taken.
20) Do you want kids? Yes
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? Yeah, but I’m not very faithful.
22) Where would you rather be right now? Home (real home)
24) Heavy or light sleeper? Apparently I sleep through fire alarms.
25) Are you paranoid? Why do you ask?
26) Are you impatient? More so when I’m hungry.
27) Who can you relate to?
28) How do you feel about interracial couples? I’m kind of surprised that this is even a question.
29) Have you been burned by love? No. Maybe mildly singed, but never burned.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Turning out the light.
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? Mine.
35) What color shirt are you wearing? Green.
36) Most recent movie you watched? My Fair Lady.
37) Name three things you have on you at all times? At all times? Nothing I can think of. Clothes of some kind, I guess.
38) What color are your bed sheets? Yellow.
39) How much cash do you have on you right now? None
40) What is your favorite part of the chicken? Anything I can pull apart with my fingers.
41) What's your favorite town/city? I really like Fernie. Good memories.
42) I can't wait till: I start figuring things out.
43) Who got you to join Facebook? Don’t even remember. Maybe Karen.
44) What did you have for dinner last night? Chicken and vegetables and Diana’s homemade bread.
45) How tall are you barefoot? I think 5’6”
46) Have you ever smoked cigarettes? No
47) Do you own a gun? No
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water and tea.
49) What's your secret when it comes to the oppisite sex? If I had a secret, I wouldn't be single.
50) What time did you wake up today? 8:00 was when my eyes opened; I woke up around 8:25.
51) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Loving life, maybe raising a kid or two.
52) Last thing you ate? Grapes
53) Song is stuck in your head? No song.
55) Last Person You E-mailed? Lisa
56) Best Event of your day? So far, sitting in the sun and hearing from my mom.
57) Last sleepover you had? Every night’s a sleepover in the attic.
58) Favorite summer memory? Swimming with Kjersti, Megan and Aubrey.

Tagged?

Apparently I've been tagged. I'm not sure what this entails, but I think I'm supposed to post five random facts. Here goes:
1. I'm going to a masquerade ball tonight.
2. Sometimes when it's cold and the bus isn't coming I put my mittens on my feet.
3. Someone must pray for my roommate situations, because I consistently end up with the best roommates/housemates I could ask for, regardless of where I'm living.
4. I once convinced my little brother that mud was chocolate. Yes, I am heartily ashamed of myself. Andrew, I'm glad you didn't get sick.
5. I can almost do a chin-up. Arnold Schwarzenegger, eat your heart out.
I tag Johanna and Carla.

Happy Day!

I love my roommates (and Amy), who baked me a cake, filled my room with balloons and hung multicoloured streamers from my ceiling for my birthday return. They are wonderful. I love my old friends who emailed me and let me know that I'm loved. I also love my Dad, who flew me to Ottawa to visit my folks, and my Mom, who was appropriately surprised. And I love the wonderful people who gave me an articling position out here so I can relax and even try out a little bit of permanence for a few years. It was a good birthday.

The Deeds and Misdeeds of One Nance

watching Pan's Labyrinth, mooting, impressing prospective employers, attending Death by Chocolate parties, aging, awaiting the return of Kim, writing a paper on legal rights of unborn children, watching all the Oscar-nominated films, writing letters, learning to knit, enduring the cold, reading hundreds and hundreds of pages, loving the Supreme Court of Canada, hating the Supreme Court of Canada, reading E.E. Cummings, making chocolate sauce and Mexican soup, listening to Neko Case, loving Finnigan, laying in the warm kitchen floor, eating peanut butter Kisses, forgetting French, waiting for summer, riding the bus, visiting Dee, conserving resources, going to class, jigging along, doing what's good for me, hoping against hope

Flood

Life is just a wee bit overwhelming right now. Not bad, just overwhelming. I always think I've got things under control on Monday and Tuesday, and because stuff is okay, I hang out with people instead of working ahead. Then by the time Wednesday comes I know I'm in trouble and by Thursday I'm completely sunk. On Friday by the time I'm done my classes I'm just a ball of "I'm 200 pages behind!" stress. It's too bad because I actually really like my classes this semester and I'm really happy with the relationships I'm building, but keeping up with both school and friends is a bit of a challenge. I find that it really it stresses me out lately when people are late, because I spend that half hour or whatever sitting around waiting and thinking about the extra 10 pages I could have read or the reading response I could have finished up. I hate it, but I can't help it.

Nevertheless, God is good. And like I said, it's not that the work is bad or the people are bad - both are great. It's just difficult keeping them both up. I wish sometimes that I had one of those eight hour jobs where you go to work and work hard, but when you go home you completely forget about your work and just enjoy your time off. While I'm a student I can never shake the feeling that I should be reading or writing or working ahead (if only I could catch up where I'm behind).

Summer is going to be epic.

Restart

My new computer is humming loudly as I attempt to listen to Sufjan Stevens. I'm not irate, but I'm certainly disturbed. I'll have to get someone slightly more aware than myself to look at it. Maybe if I restart it everything will fall into place. The computer ignoramus's all-fix solution: restart. Restart. Restart again. Maybe it will fix itself. It's like life. Instead of actually looking into the problem, I shut it down and hope that it will fix itself. Sadly, it rarely happens like that. Praise God for friends who know a little more about computers and life than I.

We're none of us as open as we seem.

...like patience on a monument...

I've spent my whole life waiting. Waiting to graduate, waiting to get to that new school, waiting for a relationship, waiting to find out if it works, waiting to settle, waiting to move on, waiting for God's guidance, waiting to find time to listen, waiting for love, waiting for friends, waiting for a job, waiting to be independent, waiting for something new, waiting to run away, waiting to learn, waiting to act, waiting to change, waiting for morning, waiting for night, waiting to dream, waiting for it to come true, waiting to grow up, waiting to go home.

God, teach me to live in the present.

I'm Back!

Hey there! Me and my new laptop are now online. Hooray, hooray, hooray! The internet is quick, the screen is bright and cheery, and the audio system is significantly better than my last laptop. Apparently things change quite a bit over four years.

I had a great Christmas. Home is just wonderful. Coming back was a little stressful, but life seems to have settled in here and it's manageable. Not perfect, but manageable. I'm taking some heavy classes and I've got to make some quick decisions about where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the next couple of years, but I'm trying to look on it all as an adventure and not just a big lump of stress.

As a side note, when I was at home I talked to an older gentleman contemplating heart surgery who wisely observed that stress is just another word for fear. Since we're told that we're to live in a spirit not of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind, I'm making an effort to recognize stress for what it is in my life - that is, fear - and deal with it on that level instead of pretending that it's just a biological reaction over which I have no control. We'll see how it goes.

Speaking of stress/fear, I got my marks back this week and was not so much disappointed as confused. I got a very poor mark in a class on which I worked really hard, and an astonishingly good mark in the class in which I was still 500 pages behind by the time I wrote the final exam. Wierd. Happily, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter as my marks don't limit God's ability to make good use of my life. Hallelujah!

So that's me now.